Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
