I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
