It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
