Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
