she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
