you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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