Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
