remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
