I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
