shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
