I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
