I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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