Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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