just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
