so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
