We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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