My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize