dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
