i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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