then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
