break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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