i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
