My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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