I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
