he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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