Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
