i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
