This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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