If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
