I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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