I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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