Where did you get a picture of my penis
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
