I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
