So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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