You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
