I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
