It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
