I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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