Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
