Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
