I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
