when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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