after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
