I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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