Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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