Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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