It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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