sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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