The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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