I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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